Paternoster – The Noisy Bloody Oyster.

The Noisy Oyster - Home of the Handsome Chef.

The sign outside The Noisy Oyster proclaims that this establishment sells “West Coast Viagra” and that if you are “Hungry, Thirsty or Horny”, come on in. Dishes on the menu are listed under the headings of “Foreplay” and “Intercourse” . Hmmmm….. All very laddish.  

Chef Brian Smit, aka ‘The Handsome Chef” holds fort in the kitchen but Brian, I need to get to the point at once.  

You did not rock my boat. The earth did not move for me, and the only stars I saw were in the night sky above Paternoster.  

I follow a very simple principle. If a chef wants to impress there is only one place to do it as far as I am concerned, and that’s in the kitchen.  

We are shown to our table out the back in a courtyard. This was actually an attractive pleasant place buzzing with people and conversation. Wooden benches and tables under a large tree with lots of twinkling lights were interspersed with burning braziers to keep us warm.  

We started with mussels, calamari and oysters. The mussels were dried out, the broth was bland and unmemorable. The calamari dish was poisoned with salt. Yeuuch! I hate the way salt is overused by some chefs.  

The oysters, untouched by the Handsome Chefs culinary skills, were delicious, fat and squishy. We slurped them down with relish.  

Mains comprised a steamed crayfish dish and Thai fish curry. The steamed crayfish was just half of the crustaceans body and was steamed into oblivion, to the point that it had turned rubbery and dried out. How did you manage that, Handsome Chef? And what did you do with the other half? For this glorified prawn we were charged R220! That’s a humungous price for a rubber prawn.  

The curry sauce was ok, but the contents were not as advertised. It was full of calamari, no prawns and some fish. There were mussels galore,which were not on the menu. My guest could not actually eat them (shellfish allergy). He felt a bit ripped off as he ladled the mussels over to me to finish off.  

We kept enquiring if Chef was still handsome, as we felt his eye was not on the ball on this evening. Was he preoccupied with his looks in some mirror? Did he let the crayfish steam to death while he combed an unruly curl back into place?  

The next day I was offered a whole (large) crayfish for R20 by a local scallywag on the side of the road.  

I felt sick.  

The Noisy Oyster has the most wonderful ingredients on their doorstep. What excuse is there for overdone mussels and crayfish? Come on Brian…….. next time make my knees tremble.  

The Noisy Oyster, 62 Augustine Road, Paternoster. 022 7522196  

Starters 45-50.            Mains 65-220.                 No corkage, if you promise to be reasonable and not down 2 or 3 bottles each.